This weekend I had an experience I felt I had to blog about, something I would love to hear your take on.
I took Kokobean to a friend’s birthday party this Sunday afternoon where most of the kids were 3 and 4 yrs old . Following the party the kids began to play with a bunch of toys that had been strewn around the room. I, in conversation looked up to see my daughter holding an Elmo doll while another child (we’ll call her Kid B) was pulling it from Kokobean’s arms. As I began to move toward the altercation, I watched as Kid B pushed, kicked and slammed my daughter up against the wall, all the while trying to yank Elmo away from my daughter. Kokobean, holding on to Elmo with all of her might, (with a look of both confusion and bewilderment on her face), was in tears saying over and over, “No, I’m playing with it.”
My immediate reaction was to yell, “Kokobean give the girl the toy” –which of course made her more confused and cry harder.
Honestly, I think she was in shock that this child was attacking her the way she was--as she’d never seen a kid act like this before. Once Kokobean dropped the toy, Kid B sat down and clutched Elmo to her chest grinning from ear to ear. After a few minutes (all the while Kokobean crying her eyes out), I said to Kid B, “Ok, it’s Kokobean’s turn now.” Without a moment of hesitation she yelled NO, got up and walked away with Elmo in tow (I'd also like to think that my child would not disrespect or ignore an adult in a similar situation either).
Now, I must admit that I did not see how the whole scene began, but I am guessing that by the position of the toy in my child’s arms she was in fact “playing with it” prior to the altercation.
Two things came to mind immediately as I processed what I was seeing:
1. My daughter would never behave in that manner-- and no, I am not saying I am mother of the year or anything-- but I can say with 100% certainty that she would never physically harm another child to get what she wants (not even her own brother). We have taught her from the start that such behavior is not acceptable and that there are other ways to work through frustration. She just plain knows better.
2. Where was this child’s mother and why was she not immediately reprimanded for this behavior?
I was blown away at how physical this child was toward my daughter, even more surprised that she did not get in trouble for it (interestingly, Kid B was the same child that spent the entire party attached to her mother’s leg and would not participate in any of the party games or activities).
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What really got me thinking as I lay in bed last night was the way I handled the situation afterwards. In the car on the way home Kokobean asked me why Kid B was pushing and kicking her and wouldn’t take turns with Elmo. I explained that she must not know that that behavior is unacceptable –but then I gave this advice: If someone is pushing you like that just drop the thing they want and walk away.
Now thinking about it, I’m not sure I gave her the best advice. Why? Well, because she was in the right, Kid B was not. Kid B was breaking rules, being rude and not acting in an appropriate manner and Kokobean knew it. What’s worse, Kid B was rewarded for that poor behavior by getting to play with Elmo. I felt like I did my daughter a disservice by telling her to walk away and give up the toy when she was not the one behaving badly.
I know that this is a situation which will arise again as she gets older and meets bullies at school and I don’t know that I want her to feel like she can’t stick up for herself in the face of someone who is behaving inappropriately.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Would you have handled the situation differently?
I should also mention that I know some kids are more physical/aggressive. My son (not yet 2) is a kid who, when all riled up, will run toward his sister and go to push her. But, I don’t believe that this behavior cannot be changed—especially by age 4. This may offend some people, but I don’t buy the excuse that “some kids just hit.”
My son, at 23 months old, after being told “no pushing your sister” will run toward her, stop in his tracks right in front of her (arms outstretched as if he were going to push her) and look back at me (with a mischievous little grin of course) waiting for me to say "no pushing your sister". It is obvious that he knows this behavior is not acceptable. He will not follow through with the behavior because he knows he will be in trouble and that Mommy will not be happy. I firmly believe you have to stop this kind of behavior RIGHT when it starts, not allow it to occur simply because they're "too young to understand"--they're much smarter than you think!!!
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