Super Mommies

SuperMommy of the Month: October 2009

I have not met this nominee, but someday I hope to.

Stephanie Nielson SuperMommy of the Month

It’s not often that something touches you in a way that you cannot shake. That something happened to me this weekend. I rarely watch TV these days because “free” time is something that vanishes after you give birth—but I continue to DVR shows that “someday” I might watch. This Saturday night I sat down and randomly chose a show from the list. Oprah.

I had no idea what was in store for me, although I think God did.

In that half hour I “met” Stephanie and I don’t think I will ever be the same.

Even as I write this I find it impossible to even explain how profoundly her story has touched me. Maybe it’s because our youngest child is the same age, we are both vegetarians or because we both dance in the kitchen while we cook. Maybe it is the fact that she loves Halloween and fall as I do or because we both adore our husbands, whatever it is, I am drawn to her. We share a positive outlook on life.

If you don’t know her story, you should.

photo from nieniedialogues
  

Many people who read about Stephanie come away with the lesson that one should live life to the fullest, to appreciate the little things. That is not the part that strikes me to the core. Losing my mother at a young age I’ve never taken life for granted and I have always enjoyed even the most mundane moments of motherhood. I learned early on that life is precious-- but self acceptance--that’s another story.

My parent’s nicknamed me Farrah Facet as a child (I had a dramatic streak) and in middle school I dreamed of looking just like her one day. She was, in my opinion, the picture of perfection: tall, thin, and tan with blonde feathered hair and the most gorgeous teeth you’ve ever seen. When high school arrived it became clear that tall, thin and perfect I was not. At 5’3” I was a far cry from being “tall” and an "hourglass figure" with C cup boobs and hips to match disqualified me from being “thin”. Even as I lathered my Irish skin with gallons of baby oil and basked in the sun for hours I never achieved that whole “tan” thing either. Sadly, it was never meant to be.

Still, after failing to look like Farrah, I never really ended my quest to be “beautiful.” In college I carried a brush with me at all times, refused to show my “fat” arms and obsessed about my weight by stepping on the scale every morning. Now in my 30s, I really struggle to accept the imperfections of my post baby body and cry several times a week over it.

The thing about this quest for beauty is that it’s a lose-lose battle. The truth is it’s not about how much you weigh, how tall you are or what the shape of your nose looks like. It’s about really truly accepting what God gave you. Being comfortable in your own body and liking who you are. Of course even knowing this, I still routinely fail to accept myself—the good the bad or the ugly.

Well, what an extraordinary wake up call I’ve now had. Stephanie’s story has just given me a giant fistful of perspective. How much time have I wasted worrying about my appearance? How many things have I missed because I don’t want to be seen? Here is a woman who has learned to accept who she is, and she is beautiful. She is beautiful because she is brave, because she is passionate about her family, because she is smart, creative and filled with spirituality. I am ashamed at myself.

Honestly if you have not read Stephanie’s blog please do--especially this one. She may have returned for her children, but she is here to teach the rest of us—I really believe that.

She has beauty that surpasses all beauty and I only hope that I can glow one tenth of the way she does one day. Every day is a struggle for her, yet she fights on.

Thank you Stephanie, you have deeply touched me and for that I will always be grateful. I will keep you in my prayers for the rest of my life.

photo from nieniedialogues 

What kind of Mom are you?

Motherhood does not define us. We define it.

Motherhood is a tough job--it’s hard to remember how lucky we are, how individual we are, how darn good life really is.

Peace Love Mom (one of my favorite lines), reminds me to celebrate motherhood and to take pride in my individuality. With tees and tanks featuring fun phrases like, “Happy Mom,” Peace Love Mom,” “Lucky Mom” and “Grateful Mom” these tees keep me positive in the midst of any meltdowns that may arise.

If you’ve not heard of this line you should definitely check them out! Being a SuperMommy is the best job in the world, and it’s about time we advertised it.

(Heck, Cindy Crawford told Oprah that these were her favorite tees, so you know they are at least supermodel worthy right?!)

 

   

 

 

 

Lady O

A friend of mine told me to watch Oprah the other day. The topic of the show: The “ugly truths” of motherhood. Of course as a mother and a blogger I was intrigued and made sure to set my DVR. Right from the get-go there was a lot of complaining, the whole woe is me mantra I hear so often. This is something that always bugs me. I mean that kid didn’t put itself in your uterus for crying out loud (you had to know it would pee and poop--sheesh).

Despite the giant pity party, there were some very interesting points made about sacrifice and reinvention. At one point, Oprah asked, “Isn’t motherhood all about sacrifice? Sacrificing a big part of who you were for this other human being and being in that space of wanting to sacrifice?”

That got me thinking…

My kids get a bath every night. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner for my kids that always includes a fruit and veggie. My house is clean enough most days that if someone stopped over unexpectedly I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I stay on top of the laundry and hang all of my kid’s clothing right out of the dryer. I go to work 4 days a week and always have my kids organized for the nanny before I walk out the door. I take care of 2 puppies and 3 cats and five nights a week I prepare dinner from scratch.  I would say that in all things “Mommy” I'm doing a pretty good job.

That said, in all things “Mom” I’m afraid I’m not very successful.

Things I never accomplish when not going to work:

Showering
Wearing an outfit that doesn’t include black yoga pants and tee shirts
Applying make-up
Wearing my hair in a style that doesn’t contain a rubber band and a hat

What’s worse, these things I cannot seem to do on a regular basis whether I'm working or not:

Get a hair cut (it takes 4-6 months before I make an appointment--hence the rubberband and hat look)
Have my nails/eyebrows done at a time when I'm not attending a wedding
Shave my legs and underarms at a time when they will not be showing
Cardiovascular exercise more than 2 times a week
Consume meals that consist of more than a handful of cashews and a swig of oj
Plan a date night and then actually go-- without being exhausted

Sacrifice? Wow did Oprah hit the nail on the head! I’d say I am definitely sacrificing. There is a definite line drawn for me: life before children, and life after. But here’s the catch…I am happy. I really am. I may not be as manicured, as “put together” as I once was--but I am happy regardless. My grandmother once said to me, as I pointed out that I spend my weekends in yoga pants and a ponytail, “Well dear, that stuff doesn’t matter anyway.”  She’s right!

Women today live the first part of their lives like a big celebration. Unlike our mother’s we graduate from college and set off for independent lives after graduation. Many women postpone motherhood for years, which sadly results in many struggling to conceive. During the postponement women live limitless, uninterrupted sex lives; they dine or travel whenever they choose; they live alone, according to their own needs and desires; and they basically live life unfettered by responsibilities outside of work. The sky is the limit!

This is a relatively new phenomenon for women. In the past, men and women married young and started families right away; sacrifice was a way of life. In fact, sacrifice has been part of the human experience for centuries -- except for the last few generations. Women my age (30s) and those younger have grown up having virtually all of their needs met at the drop of a hat. As a result, life at home becomes that much more challenging. Self-centeredness has to be checked at the door once you bring that baby home.

Women who have the easiest time surrendering to motherhood are those who start early, who never get used to a life without sacrifice. Then there are those who aren’t trying to accomplish too much at one time and those who set the expectations lower. These women adjust much better to the changes motherhood brings.I once read: If you think you can, “have it all” you’re doomed to fail. You can “have it all,” just not all at the same time! That made a lot of sense to me.

I am certain many would argue that you should never “lose” yourself when you have children and I agree to a point. I agree that you do need to take care of yourself not only for your own well being, but also for your marriage and your children. But I would argue that it's good to lose some of yourself, that self centeredness part that you carry around with you. I mean, it's true, I can’t just pick up and go like I did before I had children, but I can still make time for my husband and friends, I can still do the things that I enjoy doing and I can still make sure to be on my own from time to time. I don’t think I’ve lost myself or my independence; I’ve just rearranged my priorities.

One of the guests commented that most women try to reclaim who they were before they had kids. She explained that getting back to their old selves was an impossible task. Instead, she explained, you must reinvent yourself after children. I couldn't agree more! It’s true that I am no longer the wild, carefree woman of my 20s. Sure, I had dreams and aspirations, things I wanted to achieve--but I chose to put them on hold. Reinventing myself after kids was a way to explore other possibilities I’d never even considered or imagined. We all have unique gifts to offer the world--how exciting to think, “what will I do next?” What a fantastic opportunity! Who doesn’t want to come up with new plans, new goals, a new way of living?

Deciding to have a child is serious business….you reap what you sow…like the book says: Motherhood is not for Sissies.

What do you think about this idea of reinvention and sacrifice?